absolute uncertainty

Trying to not be so ADD

2011-03-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you made it over here from The Weight Lost Diaries. I had too many blogs going so trying to consolidate them, my life, everything.

Donne

2011-03-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls;
for, thus friends absent speak.
- John Donne

still here, sorta

2010-11-28T13:46:00.000-08:00

This blog will never die. I keep trying to ignore it, even tried to delete it but here I am still posting to the world...or the few people who happen to come here looking for a definition of absolute uncertainty.

midtarsal fault

2009-06-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

Until today I did not know about the midtarsal fault. I call it the fault line in my foot.

text

2009-06-05T21:11:00.001-07:00

wow. i haven't been over this way in a long time. i got so used to 140 character limits that it seemed like a russian novel attempting to write here. i miss writing. i miss sitting down and crafting an idea then trying to form the words to get the rest of the world to understand. i've pulled out a few scripts that i wrote about 4 years ago. they are short scripts that seemed like great ideas at the time. now i just pick out a line or two and see if i can re-build around that. my hope is to write and direct and produce a short film before the end of the year. if i can't make it my living then i'll make it my hobby. i miss la. not all the time but sometimes when i want to 'talk shop.' but i love seattle and i've found that i'm much more creative outside of la then in la. now i'm just babbling. maybe there's a good reason for the 140 character limit.

2009-06-05T21:05:00.001-07:00

I'm tweeting more these days. It's like really really short non-fiction. Or fiction. I miss blogging. You know, where you can go on and on for pages about something and hope that maybe one person reads all the way through. But will live in such a succinct world now. Get your point across in 140 characters or less or you lose interest. I can't write a TV or film review in less than 140 characters.

Call for Something Funny. Or not.

2009-06-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

Got some words floatin' around that need a place to go and tell a story? Will it be in script form, preferably under 20 pages? I'm looking for a short script to make my first short film. Now don't let that word first scare you off. I've been working in many different aspects of film for quite a few years and now I'm planning my first project. But before those cameras can roll, I need a good script. Oh, and it has to be funny. Or not.

If you're interested, send me an email at absolutefilm [at] gmail [dot] com.

one

2009-03-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'm so used to one-liners on twitter and facebook that I can't seem to write more than one line here.

2009-02-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not really feeling it this lenten season. In fact, I haven't been feeling it for a while now. I know that faith is a constant change. Just about the time I get settled into it and find solace and maybe even a routine, it changes and I lose interest and find a supplement to it. Perhaps that's all part of "keeping the faith" - coming back to it again and again.

But why do I believe the way that I believe? While I was brought up in a christian home, we never went to church and this path was never pushed on me. If I came home and said I was an atheist there might be some type of well-meaning intervention, but I doubt I would have been forced to go to church.

Sanctuary v. Torchwood

2009-01-28T21:16:00.000-08:00

When my anti-scifi anything boyfriend makes a throw-away comment that Sanctuary seems a lot like "that other show you watch with the guy who can't die" then there's something there to look into. I always arrive last to a TV show. For someone who loves TV, I don't jump on the latest show right away. I tend to like watching it all at once, over a weekend like its one long movie. That's how I watched Torchwood.

blog vs fb

2008-12-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'm not blogging because Facebook won. It appealed to my short attention span and my inherited ADHD. Oh look, a shiny new thing! Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, not blogging because I've given into Facebook. It appealed to my short attention span and my inherited ADHD. Oh look, a shiny new thing! Wait, where was I? Oops...time to go to work. Did I mention I haven't been blogging much anymore because of Facebook?

snip cut style

2008-11-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Sunday night I spent the last hour sobbing (uncontrollably, of course) about life and career and how I fit into this world. Fears rushed up in me and grabbed my heart and I couldn't breathe, except for those gasps that make you feel like you'll never breathe again. Every so often I have those moments and they're gone before they even start. When its over, I realize how much I needed that gut-wrenching (ouch!) sob to get me through to the stuff that's real so I can begin to deal with whatever issue brought me to that point in the first place. I feel exhausted but rejuvenated. Drained, but energized. Defeated but driven. Its all for a good cause in the end - sustaining my sanity. It's a good thing (said with my best Martha Stewart voice).

These "breakdowns" are like getting a new haircut. I go to the hairdresser with the unwashed hair (hey, they're going to do it there anyway), a cut that hasn't grown out very well, pulled up in a ponytail for the last two months, and bangs too long I can't see. Then I sit in that chair and Adam (my hair savior) snips and cuts and combs the locks and at the end, I look like a new woman. And it's that new woman that feels rejuvenated, driven, and energized to try something new that day. Am I right, ladies? That's how I felt last night: getting it all out and saying the things that I was too afraid to admit, snipping and cutting away at the emotions too long ignored.

Now it's Monday and it's all clear as mud.

Marathon training video

2008-10-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

I said I would make one short film per week. Well, here is the first installment of a multi-part series about my attempt to run the FULL marathon in Vancouver, BC 2009.

Vancouver Marathon Training Video: Part 1 from Anna on Vimeo.

*that opening music is from Buck 65, "Way Back When."

workin' it

2008-10-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

One very short film a week for 6 months or until I throw the camera out the window. Whatcha think? Will debut the first attempt this Monday, October 6.

And also with you

2008-09-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

I've been downloading the Sunday sermons from Grace Cathedral in San Francisco and occasionally listening to them on my bus ride to work. This morning I realized that I've been missing the spiritual part of who I am. I've become so frustrated with that group of chrisitians who give the rest of us a bad name. You know which ones I'm talking about. I got caught up in wanting to distance myself from anything related to any christian religion. But I don't want to do that anymore. The sermon I listened to this morning was from this past Sunday, September 21. Rev. Jones spoke about feeding our spiritual souls and how we can get the bare minimum just from being out and about - its on the fringe around us. But its not enough. Perhaps there had been something out there sustaining me, but listening to the sermon this morning I finally realized how much more I needed.

two roads diverged...you know the rest

2008-09-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

Life has been crazy these past few weeks. This is one of those moments when I stop and think about what path I will take next. Two paths stand out most prominently and we will see which one I take - or maybe I'll take both. Yet, I feel like I'm standing still and either too frightened to move or maybe I'm just considering all my options. I can't tell. Also, I have no patience with myself. I'm thinking about hiring a life coach. That's always sounded so hokey to me but a couple of friends have had success with doing it so maybe I might try it. I've always depended on my own sense of direction but right now the compass is wonky. And maybe its been wonky for the last 10 years.

Fall is coming finally, I can smell it. Maybe it will bring with it a harvest of ideas and focus.

un po di tutto

2008-09-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

Go see Tell No One.

I'm going to attempt Lost again now that it's airing in repeats on SciFi. Maybe will try the same with Heroes.

Still obsessed with The Office.

Stargate Atlantis was canceled. I would have liked for that one to go on another year to wrap up some story lines even though this season was weak so far.

"Whispers" was last night's episode of Atlantis and even Neal watched it. It rocked.

A new Stargate series will be airing in 2009. Originally brought in to replace BSG, it looks like its replacing Atlantis as well. Hope it doesn't go the way Enterprise because a lot of fans are getting Stargate overload, including me.

I finally remembered (after much googleing) the name of the Daniel Auteil film I saw a couple of years ago - The Closet. Funny in a french sort of way.

I'm on a classics binge and have watched Me and My Gal with Gene Kelly and Judy Garland; Bringing Up Baby with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant; and Pat and Mike and Woman of the Year with Spencer Tracey and Katherine Hepburn. All favorites that I've seen dozens of times and will watch dozens more times.

So many films I want to see and not enough time. sigh.

T's AMEX Member's Project

2008-08-20T07:57:00.001-07:00

Vote for my friend Teresa's non-profit project. Its an amazing idea and I know who much non-profits need something like this.

The Women

2008-08-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Women (MGM 1939). Starring Norma Shearer (another fave!), Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell, Paulette Goddard, and written by Clare Boothe Luce. It's about New York socialites of the 1930s...when women went to Nevada for 6 weeks to get a divorce. They didn't deal with the pesky details. Norma Shearer plays Mary Haines, a woman who finds out her husband is having an affair with Joan Crawford's character, Crystal. The film follows her as she finds out, and then goes to Nevada for the divorce. It's not only full of fabulous clothes and gossip, but reveals the complexity of friendships between women. You have to take the film in its context of the 1930s to get past some of the women's beliefs about marriage.

But now, there is an updated version about to hit screens staring Meg Ryan, Annette Benning, Candace Bergen...the list goes on! I remember reading in the mid 90s that Meg Ryan was trying to get this film made. I think the problem was over who had rights to the script. I was excited to hear about it then, and I'm even more excited now. It has Debra Messing in it, but I'll get over that little detail. I haven't read anything about it because I want to be suprised when I see it. I've added the 1939 version to my Netfilx queue and plan to see it again before I go.

Typically, I don't care much for remakes of the Classic Hollywood era. There is usually a connection made in the film -whether its the group of actors, the director, even the time period that makes the film what it is WHEN it is. For instance, you just can't ever remake Bringing Up Baby, starring Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant. The timing and pace of that film is perfection. Re-making it would diminish that. Perhaps I will return to this topic later, lots of thoughts floating around.

But The Women, for me, is a different situation. While I don't know about the new version, I can speculate on why I would want to see this film updated. The heart of the film is the relationship between these women. I am still friends with women I met in high school. At times our relationships have met with complications, misunderstandings, and sometimes we grew apart only to find each other again a few years later. But mostly they've been wonderful connections that will always be around. Women in the 1930s had friendships just like women today. The core of that type of relationship will never change and to update a film like The Women only speaks to that.

la Biennale di Venezia

2008-08-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

The line-up...

click here

life lessons - swimsuit edition

2008-08-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

When you go for a swim at lunch-time because the weather is perfect, don't dry your suit by laying it across the top of the trashcan under your office desk. You will forget it and the cleaning service will throw it away.

Good news...I'm now going to buy this suit to replace it.

Hiking on Mt. Rainier last weekend...

2008-07-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

2008-07-24T15:08:00.001-07:00

The advantage to writing a treatment is so that you can focus on where you want your project to go. After working on my treatment, I think my project will have to go away.

So I'm moving on the next project. Details to follow

tv dreams

2008-07-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

I've been watching way too much TV the last two weeks because characters keep popping into my dreams. Last week I was sharing an ice cream with Admiral Adama and last night I was eating lunch at Kirbey Lane Cafe (the original location) with Jack Harkness. Nothing happens in these dreams, we just hang out. And I think Gwen Cooper showed up for a bit.

But to balance things out...I have been reading a book on the Mayflower and dreamed I was on a boat with people from the 17thc.

bits and pieces

2008-07-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

- A word of advice: when you're giving someone a present and you think it would be fun to add some confetti inside the box to explode when they open it, think again. It seems like a great and festive idea at the time. But it's not to the person opening the present.

- I'm attempting a sprint triathlon in mid-September. At least I'm seriously thinking about it.

- It's hot. I'm hot.

- Life seems a little off kilter. Things are jutting off in new and unexpected (and some expected) ways. It's not what I planned but perhaps in the end it will get back on track. I just don't have any answers at the moment.

back in business

2008-07-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Thursday night I took 2 Advil, drank a beer and massaged this homeopathic ointment into my right hand. Friday morning I woke up and it was healed. This was something I'd been trying to take care of for two weeks with no luck and now one night of advil and beer and it's all gone. Go figure. I'm thrilled because I can get back to work and finally head out to the lake for some much-needed kayaking.

This week I'm writing up a treatment and editing some footage so that I can start applying for grants and such. I've helped others do this but never for my own project. It's hard to get some perspective.

this is the sound of one hand typing

2008-07-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

Still getting settled in Seattle. I bought a new desk, chair and lamp. All very colorful. I was all ready to get back to work but I now have an inflamed tendon in my right hand. It makes typing and editing very difficult. Hopefully I'll be back in business next week - will just type with one hand in the mean time.

Tim Russert

2008-06-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

If I missed "Meet the Press" on Sunday, then I downloaded it to my ipod as soon as I got to my computer. During the move we didn't have access to TV for a couple of weeks and this past Friday morning I was thinking how much I was looking forward to watching Tim this Sunday morning. As soon as I had that thought, I got the news about his death. It took me a while to process, even as I watched MSNBC all day yesterday. And then it hit me this morning after seeing that empty chair. This election just won't be the same without him.

Hard Times

2008-06-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

"NOW, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts." So begins Dickens' novel about Thomas Gradgrind and his children. He believes in nothing more than teaching them facts because other thoughts and ideas are just flights of fancy. I have a feeling Mr. Gradgrind would not appreciate a good science fiction tv show. Never mind the scientific inaccuracies, the stories are beyond our day-to-day life and have no grounding in fact. But that's not the point of a sci-fi tv show - it's about getting us to think beyond the day-to-day and sometimes explore our own world through the eyes of fictional characters. And the lead characters are usually pretty hot, too.

Right now we are without cable so if we want to watch something, it has to be a DVD or something I've got on itunes. There lies the problem. All of my current stuff is somewhat sci-fi related. We don't have the same taste in movies, books, or tv shows. Yeah, there's a reason we have two TVs. Last night wanted to watch something together so we agreed on Flight of the Conchords but that was only 27 minutes long. After that, we went through my entire collection in itunes, the entired DVD collection, and my current Netflix offerings (all Torchwood). Nothing. So I went into the bedroom to catch up on Battlestar Galactica and he watched something in the living room.

When we met up again a couple of hours later, I asked him why he didn't like sci-fi and that's when he threw the Hard Times quote at me. I get it, he'd rather watch History or Discovery or NatGeo and I'd rather get lost in SciFi. But like my friend Laura said yesterday, "sometimes you want to be able to turn to someone when something really amazing happens and have them understand." I guess that's why I have this blog. So...did you see that first season of Torchwood? Wow. Loved the episode "Random Shoes." And that's a fact.

Last project...

2008-06-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

before leaving the museum was to film the installation and edit it. It's the installation of Rachel Whiteread's Untitled (Firescape) for the End Game exhibition at MFAH.

Whiteread installation at MFAH from Anna on Vimeo.

Torchwood

2008-06-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

Since we don't have the TV hooked up yet and the cable won't be installed until next week, I've been catching up with episodes of Torchwood. Wow. Not sure what to say about this show because I'm still processing it. There's sex, aliens, bad guys, good guys, some that appear good but they're bad and some that appear bad but they're good. And they never forget to eat. I like that. Generally when I watch a TV show, I tend to focus on one or two characters but I love all of the characters on Torchwood; much like I'm fascinated by all the characters on Battlestar Galactica.

It's raining today and we can't move our stuff into the apartment so I think I'll have a mini-marathon of Torchwood. Netflix accidentally sent we an additional DVD so I'm set for the day. Will write more when I've had time to process and get to know these characters and the show more.

We have arrived

2008-06-03T05:08:00.000-07:00

We are finally in Seattle and I'm still on Houston time which means I'm going to bed at 9am and getting up at 5. The sun was still going down when I went to bed and it's already coming up this early am. It's a little weird and freaking me out a little. But then I haven't had much sleep this past week so most things are freaking me out. I'll get excited when I get some sleep.

And this concludes this episode of Anna's Adventures in the Pacific Northwest. In her next adventure, Anna gets some sleep and attempts to find the store.

And for my final trick...

2008-05-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

During this final week at the museum, I had a request to film the installation of a piece for a show this summer. It was a little involved and they wanted to capture the experience on tape. I also had to do a very quick edit today. I'm glad my last hours at the museum were spent doing something I love. Enjoy the very short video and if you're in Houston, check out the exhibition END GAME—British Contemporary Art from the Chaney Family Collection.

Letting the camera out of your hands

2008-05-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

Because of the nature of my current documentary endeavor, I sometimes have to rely on others for the camera-work. In others, I mean people who have no experience with a video camera and how to frame a shot. In one situation, I flipped the viewer to my side so I could watch the framing but couldn't speak into the video because I was too busy looking at the screen. So I let go and trusted that the person working the camera would get it right. And they did! When I looked at the footage Sunday night, I was so amazed how well they captured me and what I wanted to say. The thing is, he even got shots while I was away that only added to what I was trying to achieve. I love it when things just fall into place.

POV submission

2008-04-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I submitted a pitch for the POV Election 2008 call for entries. I put together a VERY ROUGH VIDEO DRAFT since it was required but want to stress (remember the all caps that said VERY ROUGH DRAFT?) that it is exactly that. But now I'm spending too much time talking about the VERY ROUGH DRAFT and need to tell you all to go vote for me because I have such a wonderful idea!

CLICK HERE and then follow the directions. Yes, you will have to register at the site but what site doesn't require that these days. Many thanks for taking the time to vote for me (and not Pedro).

And one more note - they put Clinton's picture up as the place-holder. That does not reflect my poitical leanings in any way. Thank you.

still here

2008-04-28T13:39:00.001-07:00

I've been working on a video for a call for entries. Also, moving to Seattle in a month so life is crazy...but in a good way.

POV Open Call: Election 2008

2008-04-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

If you have a great idea for a short film about the election and the issues at hand , then you may want to check out the POV Open Call: Election 2008.

austin film festival call for entries

2008-04-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Austin Film Festival Call for Entries:

FILM

SCREENPLAY

Ipod for TV junkies

2008-04-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

Having an Ipod with most of my favorite TV shows loaded up has only increased my TV addiction. At first I thought this was cool. I mean, how awesome is it to watch TV while waiting in line at the grocery store? But the novelty wore off a little and maybe I don't watch in line anymore. Still, there are times when I will think about an episode of Babylon 5 or Stargate or maybe an old episode of Remington Steele and bam, it's right there at my fingertips. That can't be good. Right? I'll let you know when I crawl out of my basement.

MS150 - the movie

2008-04-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Next weekend I'm riding in the MS150 - a 180-mile bike ride from Houston to Austin. Yeah, my butt's sore just thinking about it. This year I've decided to document the ride on video - a little documentary about my attempt at this ride and those I meet along the way. Just me and my mini-DV camera. I'm expecting there to be lots of cleavage shots and perhaps even one of me falling off the bike while I try to adjust the camera. Good fun, people! Let's ride!

BSG Primer

2008-04-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to see the season premiere of BSG season 4 until the second airing on SciFi and by that late hour I was cat-napping during the commercial breaks. I wish I could give a review today but so much of it seems like a sleepy haze.

Salon.com has a great BSG primer if you need a refresher. I've been reading it today to fill in some of the gaps. Salon also has a great review of the season 4 opener.

Script Frenzy

2008-03-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

Just found out about this.

Script Frenzy - 100 script pages in the month of April.

Programming Note

2008-03-30T15:50:00.003-07:00

Just a reminder that the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica is this Friday, April 4. It's about time! I'm looking forward to this final season and seeing how the Earth story arc plays out. This week the SciFi channel will be airing every episode of BSG - it will be a week-long marathon. Hmm...I love BSG but even that's too much of good thing all at once.

Maundy Thursday

2008-03-20T05:43:00.003-07:00

John 13
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13 "You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

John 13:34
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

5 years

2008-03-19T07:41:00.004-07:00

http://icasualties.org/oif/

From today's scripture email:

55 Exaudi, Deus

22
His speech is softer than butter, *
but war is in his heart.
23
His words are smoother than oil, *
but they are drawn swords.
24
Cast your burden upon the LORD,and he will sustain you; *
he will never let the righteous stumble.

no lenten discipline here

2008-03-18T20:19:00.003-07:00

Well, let's see...I didn't give up Diet Coke and I didn't go to church during Lent. This whole Lenten season I've been looking at my faith and what it means to me right now. I have no answer, only more questions. I subscribed to a daily scripture email which provides both Old and New Testament passages. Most days I read them and it's been a mixed reaction. Some days I feel inspired, other days I want to hit the delete button on the email. I feel like I'm approaching the bible again from a whole new perspective. Perhaps a more discerning eye? But maybe that's all part of it. Wish I had some answers here but not today. But then, are we ever supposed to truly know? Yes. No. Maybe? And that is where I am with my faith.

Sunday, January 9, 2005 - Create in me a clean heart

2008-01-18T23:05:00.001-08:00

Vancouver, British Columbia.

I.

Create in me a clean heart, O God;
and renew a right spirit within me.
( from Psalm 51) KJV

I wake up thinking about a dream I once had. A hard shell casing around my heart that popped open and exploded like fireworks into thousands of jagged pieces. This particular Sunday morning it is beginning to re-mold itself tightly around my broken heart, trying to hold it together. I bundle up with layers before getting on the train to go to church.

I sit off to the side in the back row behind the tall man. I do not want to be seen. I just want to sit and observe because I am not sure of anything.

And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish
(Isaiah 42:3) NASB

I am burning dimly and do not want to go forth. I am not ready for this path, I tell myself. I repeat the words over in my mind as I listen to the sermon. I cannot open my heart and accept these things. I can hide here off to the side where it is safe. Hide behind the pieces forming. And a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish. The sermon is coming to a close and I look up to find the priest looking directly at me, saying "and you will follow this path before you."

I know.

II.

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That’s all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.

A Drinking Song, W.B. Yeats

For me this poem is about the simple moments of love. The first time I saw it was in the bathroom of the bar Val Halla at the Rice University campus. It was just after my divorce. The next time the poem came into my life was as another relationship was ending. Always at times when I am questioning love. And of course it would appear on this particular Sunday. As if it was waiting for me to arrive.

Sunday night at Chapters in downtown Vancouver. There was an all day Yeats-a-thon upstairs. Actors in Vancouver were reading Yeats for 12 hours straight. I showed up that evening to listen as I wasn't ready to head home. I saw a friend and she urged me to read.

I stood in front of the small crowd, my heart open as I told of my relationship with this poem. My voice shook, my hand trembled as I read it aloud. I stayed to listen to a few more readings and then left. As I walked outside to the busy downtown and felt the cold air, I began to cry. Finally. The weight of the day crashing around me. I didn't want my heart to be broken, I didn't want the path before me, I didn't want to keep my heart open, and I didn't want the day to end.

Prayer

2008-01-15T21:01:00.001-08:00

Tonight, for a moment, I understood the importance of prayer. Or rather, why I pray. Why I need to pray. There is a comfort in it when I feel helpless (and hopeless). Even though I was praying for someone else, it was comfort to me. It's selfish - but not in a negative way. I needed to pray for this other person because I was afraid and in that fear and prayer, I found solace. Something clicked and I got it.

four letter word

2007-09-23T15:59:00.001-07:00

So this friend of mine started off her scrabble game with 'equator'. How do you do that? Luck? Am I missing out on some secret strategy? The score in that game right now is 217 to 30. Guess which one is mine. Equator. Geez! I'm going to go read the dictionary.

In the mean time...

2007-09-10T09:28:00.001-07:00

It seems this place has devolved into posts about my nerdiness and keen Star Trek mind. While these are important aspects of who I am, they don't capture the entire me. While I'm trying to figure what I want this space to be, enjoy a few links I've found recently:

http://timeticker.com/ (for when I want to know what time it is in Bosnia so I don't call Laura at 2am)

http://www.nerdtests.com (because I'm bored at work and this helps define me)

http://anglicansonline.org/ (for all you Anglicans and Episcopalians out there who need a one stop shopping place for Book of Common Prayer, etc.)

I was bucking for Captain...

2007-09-06T13:01:00.001-07:00

What does it mean?

You know Trek, and you love it. You may not dress up in uniform every day, but you're dedicated to your series, or two, and happy with being entertained by it.

Of the 16532 unique test takers...

For: trekkiness

11% scored higher, and
89% scored lower.

The average Raw Score is: 101.1, your's was: 135.

I stand between the darkness and the light

2007-08-06T15:57:00.001-07:00

I struggle with my faith on a daily basis. I've been watching too much Babylon 5 lately so in my mind I keep hearing Delenn saying something about it all being part of the path. For so long I've wanted my faith to be well defined, something that was a sure thing. But I don't think it will ever be that easy. And maybe it really is all part of the path. But what path that is, I don't know.

When I picked the title and the URL for this website, this blog, I felt it was appropriate for my life at the time but I think it will always be appropriate for my spiritual path. When one question comes up, I seek an answer. But soon that answer will become a question again. When it comes to my faith, I can say that I am absolutely uncertain.

I think the definition of absolute uncertainty fits: the size of the range of values in which the true value of the measurement probably lies. The truth, or the truth I seek, lies somewhere along a range of values, beliefs, but there is nothing absolute. Hence the uncertainty. I cannot know the position and the momentum of my faith at the same time. I can be certain for a while (position) but then there is no forward momentum. As soon as I move forward (or backward) then I lose the exact position. See...science and faith do mix. Well, at least at the quantum level.

I'm Old Enough to Know Better

2007-07-19T07:05:00.001-07:00

As I get older, I realize that I don't take as many risks. I'm old enough to know better. That kept going through my mind as I watched the slightly raging water rush by me as I clung to a rock near the shore at Pedernales Falls. It's not a wide river - in fact it might be more the size of a creek. Still, it's deep and wide enough to carry me down river quite fast. Neal had let himself go and rode down stream but he came back with bruises and a sour look on his face. But something about that woosh of the water made me want to try it. To carry me away. Be bold, I told myself. Let the water carry you and trust your abilities. Each time someone went past, I would tell myself that this was it. I would do it now. But now came and went and I clung a little tighter to that rock.

I want to do more adventurous things in my life. I want to start rock climbing again. I want to go scuba diving. I want to kayak the Glacier Bay National Park. But all of these things come with some risk and if I can't trust myself with this little rush of water then how will I ever make it up a mountain? By shear accident, I will. I took a little move towards the water, edging my fingers off the rock but still able to grasp. But the water was faster than I realized and it swept me away and it was so damn amazing! Just let yourself go...

I almost forgot

2007-06-21T08:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I'll be walking along and its like god taps me on the shoulder and says, "Oh Me, I completely forgot to tell you that you're 40 years old. Totally blanked. My bad." And then I panic for a moment like I've forgotten to be somewhere and need to get there right then. I hate that moment.

Tullia oh Tullia, how do you love Tullia

2007-04-06T09:42:00.001-07:00

I never thought I would have a post about a cat because I didn't own a cat as of yesterday. And I think we own one now. It adopted us, we think. We named her Tullia, after Cicero's daughter. Not intentionally at first but I said we should give her a Roman name because of our coming trip to Rome and Neal said that he thought Cicero's daughter's name was Tullia so we went with that. It fit because 10 minutes before that I wanted to name her Tulip. However, she is an outdoor cat and we now have to keep her inside and she's not too happy about it. I'm not either because she won't stop whining to go outside which means that I had to leave my own house. Also, I didn't sleep last night so I actually came up to the school library to take a nap. The things we do for our pets.

That should end the cat posts on this blog. I do have pictures of her but I've bored you enough with cat stories. She's cute, take my word for it.

The Office...

2007-02-22T17:46:00.003-08:00

Dwight: Do you watch Battlestar Galactica?

Man at party: No.

Dwight: Then you're an idiot

Dear Captain Janeway, I might have spoken too soon

2007-01-09T14:20:00.003-08:00

After posting my rant about Voyager the other day I've had a change of heart. Below is an email I wrote to my friend Rebecca...

Yes, after posting that I've had a slight change of heart. I think I wrote it after watching a couple of lesser eps in a row. Also I was in a bad mood and Voyager got the brunt. Since then I have been watching each ep since the beginning on Spike TV and looking forward to that time each day. They air two eps in a row. We can't go training for the bike ride until after it ends at 6pm. Neal is a real trooper about it. :) I spent about 2 hours last night and about an hour this morning looking at old posts I found through yahoo groups. It was a brief chronical of all our lives. I even found some old stories and started reading a few.

I remembered how much I loved that character at one time and how much her presence meant to many women. I was trying to think of an equivalent since then but I can't. Maybe, like you said, Buffy but even that is different. I did grow up on Murphy Brown and was extremely influenced by that role. Perhaps Mulgrew is overacting at times but as I've watched again, she has an amazing draw in her softer moments. Like you said, they didn't know what to do with the character. I think at times I wanted to see equal amounts of the captain and the woman behind her, much like they were able to achieve with Murphy Brown.

I've also been thinking about how different I am now as opposed to when I was watching it before. I've grown and I think I've become a stronger person. It's interesting to look back if only to see how far I've come. I like who I am now and maybe didn't so much back then. But through that growth I was able to maintain several of the friendships I gained through the show. That alone should give the show the value it deserves.

Fangirl seeks deeper understanding

2006-12-30T20:11:00.002-08:00

Next week Spike TV will begin airing repeats of Star Trek: Voyager. Last week they were airing a week-long marathon to promote it so I had to take a sneak peek and see if I was still the Voyager fangirl I used to be. I think part of me was still that fangirl but the other part was like 'what the fuck?' I mean, did I ever really think this show was any good? Why was I so fanish about it? Was it just because it had that Star Trek label? The answer to all of these questions and more is...'huh?'

Voyager came along during some moments of growing pains in my late 20s and it was that bit of escape I needed. Hey, it was better than snorting coke. Wow, do people still say that? Maybe something more current...smoking crack. Anyway, it was an escape and maybe because it didn't challenge me on any intellectual level, I could really get into it. I could just watch and be numb and ignore the overacting by Kate Mulgrew or the complete lack of acting by Garrett Wang. So the transporters didn't work at a crucial moment...so what, I didn't have to think about it.

I joined email groups, discussed the show in such great detail that my current English profs would have been so proud. I attempted writing fanfic but realized quickly that I kept writing characters I wanted them to be rather than what they were so gave up on that fangirl endeavor. And I think that's what I see now watching it again - they weren't the characters I wanted them to be. They never developed or became interesting. It was like each episode it was all new again.

That's when I discovered shows like Babylon 5 and Farscape. These were shows that told stories and didn't try to do it all in one episode. And they let their characters grow and be flawed and wrestle with those changes. As I grew out of those pains, I discovered shows that forced me to sit up and watch and understand.

Okay, so I can't throw Stargate into that fold. Sure its a fun show and I love to watch the older seasons but it has overstayed its welcome and the characters still seem the same. I mean, how many times can Sam come up with the perfect solution at the last minute? Well, I guess if you're not gettin' any and you work 24 hours a day, you have the time to be that brilliant.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, good scifi TV shows. Well, it's getting late now and I need to explain to the fella why I got excited over a friend's brilliant post concerning Farscape and why that prompted me to write this post. Explaining my fangirl side and my fanish ways could take all night. I guess as Captian Janeway would say, "Coffee. Black."

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time."

2006-04-09T05:16:00.001-07:00

The Writer's Guild of America just named the 101 best screenplays of all time, placing "Casablanca" as #1. Why? Don't get me wrong, I love this film and it's got some great lines but I never would have thought of the script as the greatest of all time. Further down the list there are so many others that should be at the #1 spot. It beat "Chinatown"? Seriously? I feel like they were voting nostalgia rather than perfection of the craft. Or maybe if they said here's the list but it's in no particular order then I could understand the reasoning a little more. It's like when AFI listed "Citizen Kane" as the greatest film of all time. It was too easy to choose that film. Everyone chooses that film and it's really not the greatest film. It's so full of itself. I guess "Casablanca" was just the easy choice. And that is all for my Sunday morning rant.

Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ilsa: But what about us?
Rick: We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you.
Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.

artist wanted

2006-03-06T11:55:00.001-08:00

Since late October I have been mostly unemployed. Except for the lack of money, I've enjoyed this time off. I think the most important thing is that I started drawing again. I took a free drawing class at the museum and each Thursday night we spent two hours sketching paintings and sculpture throughout the museum. As I followed the lines of each painting I was able to see the composition and understand details I hadn't noticed. Sometimes I would sketch the negative space and understood the importance of it.

I began sketching ideas for my own paintings. For the past several years I haven't been able to get anything on canvas. It's not that I wanted to sit down and immediately paint something brilliant. I never was a brilliant painter, just someone who liked to paint. This is my hobby, my creative thing. But the creativity wasn't flowing because I didn't have any new ideas. I played with color and shapes and textures but it was all practice and no substance.

Then I went to an exhibit around the corner from my house- Drawings by Eva Hesse. I once flew to San Francisco to see an exhibit of her work and now it was only a couple of blocks away. These drawings are simple in detail and there was a beauty in that simplicity. The shapes became patterns and the patterns became shapes. I began sketching her work but eventually found myself with new ideas for my own work. I sat down on the bench in the room to the right and filled page after page of my own patterns, my own shapes and colors. With each line I came closer and closer to understanding what I wanted of my art.

The other day I was thinking that during this time off I hadn't accomplished anything. I should have written a novel or started my own business or organized the entire house. But I accomplished something I had almost given up on. Now I can look back on this time and know that this was when I found my art.

I know I should just do it

2006-03-03T06:19:00.001-08:00

The reason I'm making you take that extra click to get over here is because I'm not ready to commit using Blogger instead of MT. I've been with MT for so long and making the switch will be hard. The only reason I'm switching (which might not happen) is because blogger is easier. It also has comment verification. My other blog has over 6000 comments. Sure, I know I'm cute but let's be real.